


and it calls you (please don't go away)

by Anonymous



Category: The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: Caretaking, Dissociation, M/M, Sensory Overload, Worried boyfriends, hiding from the world for days, marius is bad and isolates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:47:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25799950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: There are ocassions were Marius von Raum gets tired. Not in the physical sense, but tired of people, of sounds, of existing in the general sense. So he does what he has always done, and dissosiates like someone's going to give him a medal for it.Or; Marius is a mess, and it's up to Jonny and Brian to help him get back
Relationships: Drumbot Brian/Jonny d'Ville/Marius von Raum
Comments: 43
Kudos: 108
Collections: Anonymous





	1. In which Marius is tired

Marius Von Raum was tired.

Not in the physical sense, mind you, he hadn’t been doing anything that could be classified as taxing, and he hadn’t need to hide from any "game" Jonny and Tim had decided to include the rest of the crew in almost a week. In fact, he was in a relaxed position, all things considered, spread over the sofa of the common room, eating vitamin gummies, waiting for his leg to regrew after a bloodier than normal accident with the octokittens.

So, there was nothing to be tired of, he very logically told himself.

Except that he felt so.

He didn’t know if _tired_ was the right word. He wasn’t lying down to recover from some sort of lost energy (just a leg, but that was beside the point, as it was already established that it wasn’t a physical exhaustion. They just happened to coincide in time. Really.), it’s just that the thought of expending it sounded awful.

He was tired on a mental sense. He didn’t want to think, not that he tended to do much of it, but right now he wanted to do it even less.

He wanted to stop thinking, to stop remembering, to stop the little sparks of anxiousness he felt under his tongue, and hey, if he could stop existing for a little while, that would be awesome. A rest from living, death without commitment.

Against the order Marius had given it to shut the fuck up, his brain played a scenario for him after that last train of thought. He had a gun after all, he could just shoot himself, die, and keep doing it until he felt better about life. It wasn’t as if death wanted anything to do with him, anyways.

It certainly sounded like a good idea, the best the damn thing had had in centuries. He reached with his left hand to the gun. He might even wake up with both legs.

But it seemed that his brain wasn’t over, because the scenario kept playing after his death.

Someone would come, after hearing one of the at least ten shoots he wanted to fire, or because they were just passing by.

Case one, it would be Gunpowder Tim, because _who dared to fire a gun without him to worsen the damage._

Cause two, it would be Jonny, for pretty much the same reasons. That would be very, very bad.

Tim would probably believe him if he told him that he didn’t want to grow a leg and be conscious at the same time. He might eye at him suspiciously, make him a sandwich, and be on his merry way. Worst case scenario, he wouldn’t believe him, would make him a sandwich, confiscate his gun, and keep an eye out for him the rest of the year. He might tell him to go talk to Brian, who had the best idea out of all of them of how to do Feelings, but he wouldn’t snitch.

Now, Jonny would be another thing completely. He hadn’t been there when it happened, but he knew that out of all of them he was the most mentally unstable. Something about Carmilla and bioprograming that no one liked to talk much about. He was handling things better, Brian had told him, but he went trough some rough patches, and had very Bad Coping Mechanisms. He might think that he was taking a page from his book, and that was definitely not what was happening. Not at all. If he was feeling tired out of nowhere and wanting to die, well, it was death's fault for being such an attractive solution.

He would be very, very worried, and that sounded exhausting for Marius, because he would feel bad, and would have to smile, and pretend not to be tired, and reassure him, and _talk,_ and he already wanted to cry just to think about it.

Case three the Toy Soldier comes in, because it likes to be involved. That was probably the best case scenario (other than no one coming, which seemed highly unlikely). He would just order it to get out and tell no one about it. Easy peasy, lemony squeezy.

In the fourth case would be Nastya, who would come to stop whoever was trying to turn the Aurora into a strainer. This would be... it would be better than if it were Jonny. Nastya didn’t like to make eye contact or look to the face of whoever she was talking to, and right now that sounded very nice. He would have one very tiring thing less to do, without facial expressions. She would worry, yes, but she would pretend that it was for the ship, yell at him for how much red he had painted the floor, and would also confiscate his gun. She would then ask the Aurora to keep an eye on him, maybe she would offer to mop the floor, and... Oh no. She would tell Jonny, and would probably make it sound worse than it was.

Definitely bad, then.

Who else, who else? (He knew who had the most chances to find him, but he told his brain to leave that to the last. Maybe in the mid time he would gain control again and stop all its noises) Ashes was doing something worrisome with Raphaela on her lab, so he probably wouldn’t see either of them.

Next case was Ivy. Her library was near the common room (and bullet-proofed to contrasts this fact), and it wouldn’t take her long to come and see who was not letting her read in peace. It would not be ideal, after what happened a while ago.

The brain was ratter stubborn on making him relive the conversation, with all the guilt on his stomach and the anxiousness on his throat. Marius tried to distract it, but grew tired of it. It might as well happen, why the fuck not.

He had been, like he was now, spread over the sofa, but with two full legs, and eating his vitamins. There was silence, (a miracle, honestly), and his brain had shut up, and he wasn’t feeling anything, and sometimes when he stopped eating for a little while he realised that he could pretend that he did not exist, and sulk on the feeling of not having any effect on reality. Of not being a Not Baron, or a Not Doctor, or a Marius, and just sweet nothingness.

He had been having a good time. He would like to go back to have a good time.

His brain pretended not to hear him.

Ivy had entered the room, book in hand, and saw him on the sofa. They had a good relationship, one Marius had worked very hard to build and was very proud of, so after seeing him doing apparently nothing, she approached to tell him about this weird machine she had read about, and wanted to try to recreate with him and Raphaela (and only had a 38.6% chance of exploding on their faces).

And he loved her very much but _he did not want to hear it._ She was probably one of the quietest ones of the Mechanisms, but when she entered the room the changes were loud enough to get him out of his dream-like state. She approached to him eagerly, and the air shifted and the room was noisy for her footsteps and now her voice and she sat next to him on the arm rest which was now warmer which meant that the space next to his face was warmer which made him notice that his feet’s were cold _and he didn’t want any of this, he just wanted to go back to nothingness._

He really should start to pay attention to what she was saying, because Ivy was his friend and she hated when people ignored her while she talked. It made her feel stupid, she had confessed to him once, and the last thing Marius wanted was to make her feel like that. And so he would have to open his eyes (when had he closed them?) and look at her and smile and react and do body language and read hers and listen and think and speak...

The words sounded like something blur to his ears. The thought of doing all of those things made him feel even more tired, and he wanted to crawl somewhere small and dark and cry. He wanted to tell her to stop talking, stop being loud, and warm, and stop breathing because it was shifting the air and changing it, and her breath crashed against his cheeks reminding him that he existed, and he very much wanted her to just. Stop.

And now there were finger on his forehead and it was the worst, because not only was it evidence that he existed, but also that the world existed and that he was expected to participate on it. _And he didn’t want to._

Those fingers came with some question that he did not try to hear because it was even worst than just talking, it was demanding a response, and it felt as if someone was hitting a bong next to his head repeatedly, to get him out of it.

So he curled on himself to escape those things, and made a herculean effort to say something to make it stop, along the lines of "fuck off, Ivy".

The peace came back for a moment, and he might have made a contempt sound were it not for the fact that he was trying to forget his existence.

But then Ivy spoke again, a mix between a question and something else (was it his name she said? might be) and he could practically feel her watching him, recollecting all the data available, formulating hypothesis and doing a lot of things that involved weird words like "analysing" and "situation".

He knew he should at least try to behave, she was probably worried, but right now she was too much and he couldn’t think of anything else.

And so again he resigned himself to speak, said something very rude to her and probably barely comprehensible. He might even have growled to her for all he knew. But it did the job, and Ivy left him alone.

And his brain, that stupid piece of shit, realised that the way he had treated her was wrong (which he already knew), and that it would have consequences (again, he was aware of that), and then decided that the best way to deal with that was by giving him diverse amounts of anxiety and guilt.

Marius groaned at it.

His brain said that he should go and apologise. He flipped it off, and decided to ignore everything again.

At some point, after having made that decision, but before considering shooting himself on the head, he noticed that an octokitten had managed to climb up to the other side of the couch, and was looking at him with what he was sure was a hungry gaze (why was it always him they went when looking for a meal? they never went to Ashes, or Tim, even tough he spent more time with the pests than anyone. It wasn’t fair.), slowly approaching.

Marius had considered doing something about it, but that would imply shooting at it, getting up after he failed and the atrocity attacked him, shooting at it again, and moving. Lots of moving. And it was only one, how much damage could it really do? Besides, he had said that he would ignore everything, and what kind of Baron would he be if he didn’t keep his own word? A real one, probably, which he wasn’t. And so, he had discovered that if you dissociated hard enough, you could ignore an abomination eating trough your leg.

The damn thing had even decided to take a nap when finished, purring against Marius' remaining leg.

But if he could ignore it when it was eating his leg, he could certainly ignore it while sleeping next to him. He would even call it comforting were it not for the fact that it was digesting his own meat.

So, back to the original train of tough, his brain reminded him. Ivy finding him. Yeah... not a good option considering earlier events. And very probable. She would probably call Brian, or Jonny, or both. Another point against multiple suicide.

Which left him with Brian. What would happen if it was Brian who came to see him blowing his own head? Multiple times. Uh.

Well, nothing good, that was for sure. Probably the worst case, because of all the Mechanisms he was the one who would want to make him talk about his feelings. He imagine the worried face he would make, his voice soft and full of concern. That made him want to hide away more than anything, not for having to talk and listen and _communicate,_ but because he didn’t know what would be worst, the nausea that came with imagining himself doing all of that very, very hard as to not worry the drumbot, or the possibility of not being able to do it and seeing him all worried and _hurt_ for him. He always looked hurt when Marius lied to him about being fine, even when he did it as to not worry him. He didn’t think he could stand it like this.

So, suicide. Out of the question. There, brain, happy now?

His brain was, of course, not happy, and definitely not done. It shoved on his face the fact he was very much trying to ignore, thanks for nothing.

Someone would eventually come.

It was the common room, after all. The place where they all went when they weren’t doing stuff. Oh, gods, this was the place _where they practised their songs_. Why was he here, what had he been thinking about?

He didn’t remember why he was here (should he be worried about that?), and his brain didn’t push any other flashback, thankfully. But what it did give him was a scenario he hadn’t considered. A group of his friends, coming here, laughing, fighting each other, playing their instruments and making noise, noise, _so much noise._ Even when they were quiet, they were loud by nature, filling the room with _so much too much._ He curled on himself even more, whimpering a little, and kicking the pest out of the couch.

He did that for a little while, because he found that concentrating on the vibration on his throat made that mental picture fade to something more manageable, and because fuck you, nobody was there to judge him, he would do whatever he wanted.

And then his brain did something he couldn’t remember the last time it had done it. It had a good idea, a brilliant idea, the best it ever had.

He should go to his room.

It was small, quiet, and he could make it dark. He had his bed there, and pillows and blanket that he could hide under. He could drop the temperature to help him forget about his stupid body that he didn’t want anyway, and no one would enter there, not even to look for him, as he could ignore them, and they would assume he was sleeping and leave him alone.

Were him feeling more energetic, he would probably be smiling right now. That sounded marvellous. Delicious. Paradise.

His stomach dropped. To get there, he would have to get up. Walk. Through the corridors, where he could meet with someone, who might want to speak with him? And doing _that_ , while also standing up, sounded awful, and what if someone _else_ joined them? And he would have to interact with _two_ persons. At the same time.

He would shoot himself. And then he would do it again, and then he would have to deal with the disaster, because by that point they would have taken his gun away, and everything would be bad. _He might even cry,_ he realised.

So, it was primordial that he didn’t cross path with anyone. It... It could be worse, he admitted. He was very good annoying people to the point that they avoided him. He remembered that inspector, Edda, whom he had annoyed to the point of them refusing to get near him unless they had no other option, and even then waiting a few days to see if some miracle fell out of the sky to save them from their fate. He just had to conjure that energy.

But that was the problem. He didn’t have the energy to be that loud annoying thing, he didn’t have the energy to face another living thing, and he definitely didn’t have the energy to keep thinking. He just wanted to lay on his bed. Now.

So, with a sudden determination that came with being fed up with his stupid brain that couldn’t shut up and was only useful to make half plans, he got up. His leg had finished regrowing, and the pest was nowhere to be seen. He grabbed his violin, figured that it was the most annoying thing he had (even tough imagining it being played made him grit his teeth. He loved the instrument, but right now it would be Too Much tm), and went trough the door, toward the corridors and eventually his room.

Marius Von Raum had lived a lot, and died even more. He had had his fair share of torture in his eternity, but that walk was definitely one of the worst experiences he had. The floor was hard, and with every step he could feel how his weight shifted around from feet to feet, from his talon to his fingers, how his meat did the same, following his bones' lead. The air didn’t seem to stay still, he feels it attacking him from every direction, not stopping even when he held his breath. His hair was definitely too long, what had he been thinking, because with every pace it moved as if it was alive, touching his face and neck and scalp and _why couldn’t it just stay still and also the air was moving a lot and the room was too loud._

That was the worst part, he tough. The noise. Once Nastya had told him that the ship could speak, and he wanted to kick himself for not having believed her that time, because not only was it bloody speaking, it was screaming at him, and how could he not have heard it? The ventilation circuits, the pipes inside the walls, the electricity running inside every part. Hell, he could even hear the engineers running. It was a sensory nightmare.

One he had to subdue himself to, if he wanted the reward of being able to pretend he doesn’t exist. He had to concentrate hard on what he was hearing to make sure that there was nobody on the area to avoid. Even if it made him want to just curl up under his coat in some corner.

But eventually he reached his room, and locked himself inside. He was happy, and because of it he hummed, which was fine because it was something he made on purpose, and even if it reminded him that he existed, he could still pretend that he was the only thing that did, and that was pretty much the same to his eyes.

He flicked off the automatic lights, and adjusted the thermostat. He gathered every single blanket that was on the room, got naked, and got under the covers.

It was dark, and small, and there was pressure from the blankets. He felt his cheeks get wet, and it was great because he always felt numb after crying. His brain didn’t seem to have anything to say anymore, and his anxiousness was slowly going away with his tears. He focused on his heartbeat, and then in forgetting it, and everything was quiet.

Whether he fell asleep or not was arguable, but whatever he did, he did it with a smile.


	2. In which Jonny and Brian worry

The best part of forcing yourself into a dissociative state was that you almost didn’t notice that you were dying of thirst. But the bad part was that, reached that point, it was very hard to force yourself out of it.

It wasn’t the first time he had reached that point. When he was a kid, and got fed up with people, he would run away to some field where he could be alone and unbothered. The problem was that, when he came back, his mum would almost always be crying, and his ma would tell him of how much he had made her suffer, while giving him the spanking of his life.

This would make him feel even guiltier each time he escaped, as expected, but unlike what his ma was trying to accomplish, it only resulted on him staying there longer. See, once he sat under a tree, the same as always, all the guilt and anxiousness and fear would appear, and it would be as bad if not worst as staying in town with people. So, young Marius discovered his new best friend, dissociation. Or something along those lines.

The longer he stayed on that state, the harder it was to get out. One time he had stayed on that field for almost a week, and he didn’t have a single memory of what happened all the while. One moment he was sitting down the tree, the next an old man was trying to make him drink water.

That night his mothers had made him sleep in bed with them, and stay home the next day. His mum made him beacon with apple tart, and his ma started to give him a good night kiss every night, without fail, for as long as he lived with her.

He never returned to that tree again.

That didn’t meant he stopped, tough. He just did it inside the house. Every time things became too much he would just run inside his room and hide under the covers, and pretend nothing existed. Because, if nothing existed, those things that bothered him didn’t exist, and things would be fine. His parents didn’t bother him other than leaving food and water near him (that he would mostly consume), for fear that the next time he would go somewhere far away, where he wouldn’t be found.

Marius might be an idiot, but he wasn’t stupid, and so he knew that that behaviour was unhealthy of a kid. But he was an adult now, and immortal, and with those thing came exiting privileges, like having very extreme kinky sex and dissociate for however long he wanted, and he would be damned if he didn’t make the most of it.

Back to the point, called him his brain, which had until now been very kindly silent.

He needed water. That wasn’t that big of a problem, as he had his bathroom just five paces from him, if not less. He could get water whenever he wanted, he told himself while preparing to go back to a semi awake conscious. He could do that later.

It wasn’t his brain that poked at him next, but his stomach. If he was dying of thirst then soon enough he would start dying of hunger, which was a pain in the ass. Dehydration could be argued to be even helpful on his quest of forgetting his existence, but hunger? That bitch was the enemy. It would take a long while for it to settle down with the stabs of pain, and would not do anything other than remind him that he was real, food was real, and he was expected to get some inside of him, and do so again and again and again until his last day.

He needed to go to the kitchen for provisions, his brain helpfully mentioned. That if he wanted to keep loosing himself into nothingness in peace he would have to get up.

He wished he could feed that bastard to his stomach and be done with it.

He got up and _wow, wasn’t the word shifty?_ He fell directly into the ground, feeling as if he would see black spots on his vision were him able to see anything in the darkness of his room.

Brian must be trying to teach Jonny to pilot the ship again, because even on the floor everything kept moving.

All right. He could work with this. He just needed to forget about his sense of space and direction, and head to the bathroom. He would crawl till there, and then see what to do. It would be fine.

Cursing his body's need for water, he slowly made his way. Once there he considered just drinking from the toilet, as the sink looked incredible high, but went against it. He had dignity enough to get up and drink from a sink.

In the end, he didn’t stood up to drink as much as throw himself over it and move his head to be under the water tap, mouth open and just drinking everything that fell into it.

But, as Marius knew but had decided to ignore, when you have spent multiple days without drinking water, you should definitely not start drinking a whole ship’s supply as fast as you could because bad things happened. And those bad things came to him, in the form of vomiting and crying.

He didn’t have anything else than water on his stomach, so it went down the sink easily.

Marius felt horrible. He hated throwing up (not that he had done anything to prevent it from happening), and crying when your body had not water to spent on tears was just as nice. But in the end of all that, when the retchings stopped coming and his stomach didn’t seem to be using him for box practise anymore, a little bit of reason had entered on him. He should _latter_ try to drink some water, but not right now. He should also take some to have near the bed, and remember to drink it. Then, once he was a bit better, he would go on his quest for food, stack up some supplies on his bedtable, and go back to his nonexistence business.

So he took a bottle of shampoo he had near, dumped its contents and filled it with water. It will have to do.

And with that he went back to bed. When he was finally set up on it, he grabbed his com, intending to set some alarms to remind him to drink, and found a couple of messages for him.

The first one was from Raph, telling him about some kind of Science, and if he wanted to help. It was dated two days ago.

The second one was the most recent, from a couple hours ago, and came from Brian. He asked him if everything was okay, as he hadn’t seen him in quite some time.

The oldest was from Jonny, three days ago, asking him to bring him a sandwich. Then, the day after that, “asshole".

There were some hundreds at the group chat that he opened and closed, because no way in hell he was going to read 400 texts about the last thing Ashes had set on fire. He had his limits.

He should probably reply something, at least at Brian so he wouldn’t worry and come searching for him. Tell them that he was and would be sleeping.

But then, what if they read them? Or worst, what if they _replied_?

His stomach clenched, threatening to throw up again, and his heart started to beat faster. He left the thing to the side, making himself a ball and clutching the blankets even more.

Okay, okay. Seemed like a big no to any kind of conversation. He figured that he could just not read the responses.

But that didn’t change the fact that they would _still be there_. On the screen every time he grabbed the thing. And it would vibrate when they came. Apparently he had ignored the notifications before, but now that he _knew_ that they might come. Just waiting.

He shuddered.

Fortunately, his brain decided to be helpful for once and reminded that he could deactivate the notifications. It wasn’t really that good of a thing, he could already feel the anxiousness of not knowing whether they had replied or not, but. Well. Uh.

At least he could prepare himself mentally? And then he would read the reply and leave them on read, indicating that he wasn’t interested on communicating but also being excused because they would think it was an accident, right? As an “I opened your text and fell back asleep before I answered you, I’m sorry" kind of accident. That sounded like a plan.

And once he had gone to the kitchen and come back, without having even seen anybody, he would throw the damn thing to the toilet and forget it ever existed.

He was starting to feel a little more confident.

Marius set the alarms while thinking what to reply. A short “sleeping” would do to Jonny. To Raph he had to apologise for not answering, and let her know that he didn’t want to chat o participate in any experiment on the near future. Probably “Sorry, asleep, gonna b sleeping, no". Yeah, that would do.

And what about Brian? If he was too vague he may worry, but he needed to sound relaxed also.

“Sorry, I swear I didn’t realise it had been that long. I went to sleep a couple days ago, probably gonna keep doing so if that’s alright?” Nah, sounded weak and apologetic.

“Perfectly fine, nothing to worry about. Just been snoozing, gonna keep doing that in case I don’t answer". Could be. But Brian already knew his lies, and he would be suspicious of the first line.

“Sorry, I was literally sleeping. I’m fine, don’t worry. I might keep snoozing for a while, in case I don’t answer. It’s sweet that you worried, tough. Xoxo" Yes that would do.

He started to send the texts, misspelling some words in purpose as to not arise suspicion. He hesitated a little about whether to send Brian the “xoxo", if it would be too much. But he was kind of romantic, sometimes, especially when cuddling in bed or waking up, so he would probably take it as a hint that everything was fine.

It was a master plan and everything was perfect.

He went back under the covers. The anxiety stroke back at different rates, but he managed to calm it down by thinking on his very clever plan, telling himself that everything would be fine.

Jonny stared at the word on his screen.

“sliepng"

Sliepng. _Sliepng. Fucking sliepng._

_That bastard._

What the hell did he think he was doing?

He hadn’t shown his face in, what, three, four days? Just went from chilling out with himself and Brian almost every fucking day, to just. Disappear. The fucker.

By the second day without sight of his boyfriend he had done what every normal person would do on his situation, and overanalyse the last interaction they had had. They had been on the bridge, making Brian company while he drove the ship away from some weird start that could have collapsed on them.

They had been bickering as normal. Maybe it was the pun he had made about his arm? It couldn’t be, he had done it a hundred times before that and he had never offended. He had even made a pun of his own back. So that couldn’t have been, right? Unless he had always been bothered by that, and that one had been the straw that broke the camel's back.

Now he was acting like Marius. If he had had a problem, he would have told him at some point, or Brian would have figured it out and made them talk about it.

And it wasn’t like he kept that sort of things to himself! He was the one who did that! If Marius felt hurt or uncomfortable he would usually tell them so.

But he wasn’t that much of a needy basket case, and so he kept himself calm and did definitely not roam through the whole ship trying to accidentally bump into him. Instead, he decided to use this newly free time to do things he enjoyed but had never bothered to do before, like touring their enormous ship and analyse every single corner of it with great attention. It was a magnificent ship, after all. Very interesting.

But apparently the Aurora was shocked by this new side of him she had never seen, and mistook his dedication with desperation, and sent Nastya to try to calm him down.

Which was completely useless, as he explained to Nastya, because he was already very calm. The most calm he had been in centuries, in fact. Those fights he had been picking with everyone? Well, he was the captain! He had to make sure his crew was always alert and ready to defend the ship! It was his duty!

But she didn’t seem to understand neither his rank nor the responsibilities that came with it (another reason why she was the engineer and not the captain, like he was), and so proceeded to shoot him in the legs and sit on him, refusing to get up until he “talked about his problems". That he didn’t have.

And so it was completely understandable that, after minutes of trying to reason with her, he tried to escape. And when that failed, badly, he had no option but to lie. He invented some worry about Marius’ strange behaviour, and some insecurities about how _he_ had been the last to join the relationship they had with Brian and whether he was regretting it, or if it was his fault that things were not good.

Completely made up stuff.

He even kept his voice low and curled his hands on Nastya's coat, because he was a great actor.

He knew she had bought the lie when she curled hers on his coat in return, and he pretended that it had a calming effect. He even closed his eyes a little.

They should give him a damn Space Oscar.

Nastya went through his completely made up problem with him, pointing at exaggerations and absurdisms he had already know were there, but made the effort to relax at her words, as if she had confirmed things that were plaguing his mind. And they talked about what he should do next, and they both agreed that trying to speak to him was the best course of action.

After that, and just for the show, Jonny shoved his head a little on her shoulder as a thank you. That was completely false, of course. And Nastya might have pushed her shoulder back at him, a thing that was unsure because if it was a fact it might have made Jonny do a Feelings. So, whether it happened or not what a mystery.

When he was alone, Jonny thought very hard about what to text Marius (because he was definitely texting him. If Nastya expected him to call him or talk face to face or some other bullshit like that, she would have to rip his throat open and made his vocal cords move herself. Which she wouldn’t do because she thought it was disgusting). He went trough various options:

“Hey, liar"

“Fake boy"

“wanna ve sx?”

“mke me a sndwich"

He decided on the last one, because he was hungry, and not because it was the easiest situation to read. If he told him to go fuck himself, then he would know everything was fine. But if he agreed to make him a sandwich, then Jonny would have enough time to find a shuttle and try to get to that star before it imploded. So, a win-win situation.

But that stupid, arrogant pile of lies hadn’t replied, and Jonny was rightfully angry. Who did he think he was, just disappearing like that, not even dignifying to answer him? He had done nothing wrong! Nastya had said so! But he hadn’t replied.

And so, after fighting to death(s) with Tim over the colour of some weird dress he owned and having lots of sex with Brian (and shooting him when he asked him what was wrong, initiating a new “lets hunt Jonny and make him talk about his feelings"), he decided to give him a piece of his mind. By texting, of course. From a cupboard where he was not hiding from the drumbot, but he had just discovered it was very comfortable.

He also hadn’t lived the last week in denial, of course not.

He didn’t trust himself to write anything more than one (1) word, as any longer text tended to contain some form of “please" or “have I made anything wrong?”. So, he sent him the word “Asshole" and waited for his reply.

But the asshole didn’t, and he was eventually found by Brian, who realised that, yeah, now that he thought of it he hadn’t heard about Marius either, and Jonny was right, it was a very unusual thing.

He hadn’t approved of Jonny’s last text, but Jonny couldn’t care less about that. He proposed to go and ask Ivy or Raphaela if they had seen him, an idea the first mate admitted was actually quite good.

They went first to the Science Officer, mainly because her lab was nearer than the library.

She had said that she hadn’t seen him in a while, but that she had sent him a text a couple hours ago, so he might come. With that she took her comm, and realized that, no, she hadn’t texted him a couple of hours ago, but a couple of days. Uh.

Raphaela told them not to worry, that it was probably nothing. He probably forgot to check his notifications, like she sometimes did. Brian agreed, tough less sure than her. Jonny was relived to find that it wasn’t just them the fake doctor was apparently ignoring.

Ivy, to no one surprise, was found on the library, were she was reading something that had a leather cover that looked weirdly similar to human skin. She said that he hadn’t seen him, but that in fact she was avoiding him, because he had been an arse to her earlier and was still expecting an apology. They asked her of how he had seem to be that time, and she gave a long list of very detailed but unhelpful details about the condition he had found him in. After Jonny checked that the cover of her book was not, in fact, Marius, they left the archivist to her solitude.

They slept on Brian's bed that night, after talking a little more about the missing person on the bed. They agreed that, were he not to answer by tomorrow night, they would go to properly look for him, _but not a moment until then, Jonny, he might have reasons to be evading everyone, and we should respect his privacy._

Jonny flipped Brian’s switch and they had sex.

He went to sleep on his arms. The next morning, the drumbot found him still there, but with his comm on hand, reading the single word over and over, in a tone that was getting angrier every time.

“That isn’t even a sentence!” Jonny complained when he noticed Brian was awake.

“Well,” he said, still a bit sleepy, “you can’t say that you send each other many sentences".

Which was true, because the longest text in the conversation was from Marius, which simply said ‘busy. Fnd it. Dont tll B', the rest being no more than three words, and links and pictures without any context.

“Still! It has been a week! And he just what, sleep trough it?” he stood up, and started to walk on the room.

Brian sat up, already knowing that there would be no more sleeping or cuddling in bed. A pity. It had been a while, and he was really looking forwards it.

“It’s not like you have never done so" Brian argued, looking for his own comm between the sheets.

“I wasn’t sleeping, I was drunkenly passing out, they are completely different things -what did he say?” he cut himself when Brian found his gadget.

“Uh.” Jonny practically threw himself over him to see what the text said.

‘ _Srry, i ws litrary sleeping. m fine, dnt worry. I mght kp snoozing 4 a wil, in cas i dnt nswr. t swet tht u woried, tgh. Xoxo_ ’

“He sent you four sentences! _Four!”_ He went back to pacing, this time with even more energy.

“Uh”, Brian repeated, because it deserved to be so. There was something strange in the message, but he couldn’t quite place a finger on what it was.

“What? You don’t have anything to say? Do you believe him?” Jonny asked.

Brian started to read old messages, trying to find what was out of place.

“Brian?”

It was not that he told him that he was being sweet, or even the _xoxo_ , because he was sometimes like that, which the drumbot appreciated very dearly. But there was something in that last sentence...

“Aurora to Brian, what the fuck are you thinking about"

“...Nothing, nothing", he murmured distractedly to him, as he read the text again. He was probably reading too much into it, but... “Uh.”

“Brian, I swear, if you don’t explain what got you all ‘Uh' right now...”

“It’s just that... I mean, I’m probably reading too much into it, but when he text me something even remotely romantic he usually does it in a separate text. And he never misspell words on it, not this much at least. This is a pain in the eyes, even to his standards”, he said as he realised.

Jonny stood still.

“That bastard is lying to us!” he said, indignant.

“I mean, I’m not sure, maybe he was just sleepy when he wrote it", he said, the conviction leaving him word by word.

“Bullshit.” Jonny spat.

“...And even if he is lying, and I’m not saying that he is", he lied, “maybe there's a perfectly logic reason. Like, i don’t know, perhaps he just wants some time alone?” he suggested.

His boyfriend puffed, crossing his arms. “Then why wouldn’t he say so?” He had been trying to disregard Brian's hypothesis, but now he was feeling quizzed.

What if Marius _had_ wanted some time alone? He was probably letting Jonny know that by ignoring his text, and he just went and called him an asshole. He was now probably mad at him, and with reason, because Jonny was a clingy piece of shit that couldn’t respect people's boundaries, and he hated him now. He had made Marius hate him, and how could he make it right he _needed to make it right, he was sorry, he didn’t want Marius to leave him, why hadn’t he said something, why was he such a piece of shit_...

He first noticed the feeling of warm air on his ear, and realised that they were words, being murmured to him in a soft familiar voice, but he couldn’t make sense of them.

The next thing was that he was no longer standing up in the middle of the room, but was now on the bed, held in a sitting position by something from behind him. He tried to move, but his legs and arms were also captured by this thing, and he was trapped and couldn’t escape, and begun to panic...

He felt cold on his cheek and his first tough was that the thing that was whispering to him before now held his head firmly and _be couldn’t move_ , but on his second he realised that it hadn’t stopped saying soft things to him, and was still murmuring that he was _fine, it's Brian, you are safe, come back Jonny, come back_.

He remembered Brian. He was cold and hard because he was made of brass, and often whispered nice things to him, especially when they both pretended that he was sleeping so he wouldn’t have to call him a pussy to keep his pride.

Slowly, he began to relax, resting his back against the drumbot front, closing his eyes. It had been a long while since he had last spiralled into himself, hadn’t since before Marius joined the crew. He still had to tell him that that might happen, but he had hopped that he could delay the conversation, the longer the better. Maybe forever? Forever sounded nice.

Brian waited a little while, just in case, and then let go of him. He moved his legs from where they were, on top of Jonny’s, and rested his hands on his stomach, still holding his. He pressed a kiss behind his ear.

“Are you all right?” he asked softly.

Jonny fidgeted a little with their fingers.

“I... I came back. I didn’t even realise that i was doing it, how long was i out?” he said without looking up.

“Not long, an hour maybe? A little less". It had been a short one, then. Back when he was still discovering all the ways the patchy bioprogramming had fucked him up, he would stay inside himself for weeks, without any memory of what had happened. He had been getting better, but still. Shit happened. “How are you feeling?” Brian asked, after he spent a while in silence.

“I would be angry if i had the energy" he murmured. He didn’t want to think about it, of how he was the most unstable one because the doc hadn’t bothered to read a book on neurosurgery before starting to mess up with his brain. At least she had learned from her mistake, he had bitterly thought every time he had an episode near one of the other mechs.

“Yeah, but that is your general state of being. Either tired or shooting at someone" Brian joked, guessing where his mind was going.

“That’s not true. I’m horny sometimes" he pretended to be offended.

“The three States of Jonny: horny, angry, and tired" he kissed his cheek. Then, “have you told Marius about it?”

“No”. Brian waited for him to add something, but he just kept playing with his fingers.

“Jonny...” Still nothing. “If it was him, you would definitely want to know".

“Yes, and that is the point, he is not telling us something!” said Jonny, returning to Angry State.

“That is not the point i was trying to make" he said, trying to keep the conversation on track.

“Just... just give me this, all right? We can do later all the emotion stuff, just give me this”, he insisted, until Brian accepted, reluctantly. “He clearly doesn’t want to speak with us -he doesn’t!” he insisted upon seeing the drumbot open his mouth “And I’m sure he hasn’t gotten out of his room in all that time -don’t ask me. The point is, should we just, you know, go to him? And do the communication thing?” he asked, looking at him.

Brian was surprised. As a rule, Jonny hated anything that had to do with communicating, even when deep down he knew it was for the best. He must be quite worried about Marius.

He considered their options. Going directly to him didn’t seem like a good idea, when he had indirectly asked for space. And even tough he had been known for hiding some hurt or sadness now and then, it wasn’t motive enough to just disrespect his boundaries like that. He was the only one who truly knew what he needed, and he trusted him to not do any harm intentionally to himself.

He had said that he needed space, and Jonny had said that he hasn’t come out of his room in a while. Maybe he was locking himself for fear of confrontation? That they would corner him and force him to tell them what was wrong, when he had implicitly told them that it was private, in his own way.

Assuming, of course, that there was something wrong and he wasn’t just taking a really long nap.

Was that denial? He should ask Jonny, he was the expert.

Back to the question.

He needed space and didn’t feel that they would respect it. That was not good. As his partners, he should be able to trust them with something like that. It seemed that they would have to prove him so.

He remembered that they were very near a habited planet, a day of travel away. They could go there and give Marius as much space as he wanted. And if he wanted to he could go to them, by looking at their location on the Aurora’s intranet.

He told Jonny and, after a much needed cuddling session and making sure he was, in fact, alright and not just supressing his feeling, he changed the course of the starship, while Jonny announced their new destination (on the group chat, pinning everyone as to make sure Marius knew).

As he came back from death (or had he just been sleeping? It wouldn’t be completely wrong either to say that he might had been just zooning out), Marius’ brain decided to remind him of his plan, and how much he had failed to accomplish it.

He had drank the water the first time the alarm went off, yes. And that was all.

The second time it sounded he almost went crazy. He had been having the time of his non-existence, being finally calm. He had shut his brain up, and had successfully forgotten all about his body, and the blankets and people and ship _and the fucking universe_. It had been beautiful.

And then the thing began screaming, and it was like waking up to someone drowning you, and setting you on fire, and shoving some stick trough your ears, without even knowing where you were or who you are or _what the fuck was happening_.

It went off three times before Marius remember who he was and what was that sound. He then proceeded to act according that information, throwing the thing to the bathroom with his mechanical hand, effectible breaking it.

The noise of it shattering against the wall and falling to the floor had been horrible, and had echoed on his memories for what felt like an eternity, until he zooned out again (or fell asleep, or died).

And that was all he had done. He hadn’t drunk more water (he had the feeling of having died a couple of times because of it), and had definitely not gone to his excursion to the kitchen. He couldn’t care less.

It had been difficult, at the beginning, with his stomach acting like the grumpy bastard it was, but it had reacted worst to the picture of a mechanism getting near him. And now he couldn’t feel it, and that was good.

He wondered how much time it had passed. He hadn’t died of hunger yet, but then every time he had been close the dehydration probably killed him first, and that had been a couple of times. He tried to think of how many times he had died, but it was hard and required him to concentrate, so he just let it be. He hoped it wasn’t that much, he didn’t know for how long the others would believe that he was sleeping.

It's not that it was the first time he had done it on the ship, the dissociating. He had been aboard for a short while, and he had never gone this long on that time, but he had done it at least, what, five, eight times? That was probably the reason Aurora hadn’t snitched on his little “vacation".

But none of the others knew.

He had not _intended_ to keep it a secret, _per se._ It just that, it wasn’t something you casually told to people you have just met. ‘ _Hey, thank you for letting me stay here, by the way, one of my hobbies' getting under the covers and pretend nothing exist. Just ignore me if i seem unresponsive for a few days. Can you pass the potatoes?’_ No, that would be awkward. It’s just that it never came up. And he had never spent this long like this. He wondered what the others were thinking.

Uh.

Nothing.

He waited for the familiar spark of anxiousness under his tongue, or the guilt on his throat.

Nop. Empty. Nada.

That was weird.

Should he worry? Nah, probably not.

He worried anyway, and did the third thing he knew how to make best: psychoanalyse himself.

The conclusions weren’t better.

The first thing he noticed is that, even when he was aware that he might be worrying his friends and maybe even hurting them, he didn’t care. Of course, he knew that was bad. He knew those people were important for him. But he didn’t really _felt_ that it was bad. There was just indifference there.

The second thing was a little more alarming. He didn’t feel connected to those people. He felt uncomfortable and repulsed to the thought of being near them, he even reacted like that to some happy memories he had. But that wasn’t new, he never wanted to be near people when he was _like that_. What was new was the apathy in which he did so, the fact that when he had those emotions they were more similar to the reaction to some stiff chair or tight pants.

He wasn’t really feeling them like people, and that had never happened before.

He should be worried.

He wasn’t.

He just shoved those toughs to the side, and went back to that weird state of his. Whatever that was, he would deal with it when he got out of it.

It would be fine.

It was not fine.

The Mechanisms had been planetside for three months now and there was still no word from Marius. Jonny had texted him a little, when Brian wasn’t looking, but had received no answer.

He was restless.

“Brian?” he tantalizing asked from his side of the cot.

“Yeah?” he didn’t seem to have been able to sleep either.

“I am worried about Marius" he said, taking advantage of the fact that he was not facing the drumbot, and that it was too dark for him to see his expression anyway. Probably.

A moment of silence.

“Me too.”

“Perhaps... we could go back? Check on him?” he suggested. It wasn’t the first time he had, but Brian had always insisted on the need of giving him his space.

But it had been three months, and no signal of life. And he had seen him look in secret to that last text, wondering if there was something else to it.

“I... I think it may be a good idea...” he answered.

“Really?” Jonny said softly.

“Really. Tomorrow morning.”

“Good"

He snuggled a little more on his chest, and Brian burrowed his lips on his hair. Still thinking. They didn’t sleep much that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This goes on anonymous because i am a coward. It's technically my first fic, and it's been finished for months now, so it's high time i made something with it. Mortifying ordeal and all that.  
> It still need a last edit, so I expect to be posting weekily updates.  
> let me know what you think? or if there's any tags i missed


	3. In which Marius discovers people worry about him

He was aware of some noise going on. He grabbed the blankets and shoved them on his face, trying to block it out. He also started to hum a little, because he very much preferred his noises over the world's, and it was an easy way to tune everything out.

And then it stopped, and he uncurled his fingers a little, but did not relax completely. That thing wasn’t something that came from the outside, the rest of the ship. That had been directed here, to his room.

It had been a door being knocked on.

Marius felt his blood turn cold.

Why was someone knocking at his door? He had told everyone that might care that he would be sleeping, and he couldn’t imagine what could be important enough not only to go and annoy the annoyest person on the crew about it, but to be _polite_ and _knock_.

That was what threw him off the most, he thought. The fact that they were knocking. A mechanism. Showing basic politeness. It couldn’t mean anything good.

He could answer the door, and tell them that he would like very much keep ‘sleeping', please and thank you. He could scream to them to go fuck themselves, whoever they were. Or he could ignore them and retreat even further into himself to try to not hear that stupid, loud, pounding noise.

He grabbed a pillow he saw near and push it over his head. He hadn’t come here to face his problems, after all.

Marius didn’t answer the door when Jonny knocked. He put his ear on the door, to see if he could hear him inside, but didn’t catch anything. He looked at Brian, worried.

“Maybe he is still sleeping?” Brian said, without conviction. There was no living thing that could sleep through a very anxious Jonny allowed near the door.

They had first checked if he was still on the ship, and then proceeded to look trough every room except the one they were standing in front of right now, wondering what they should do.

Jonny just looked at him, not dignifying that statement with an answer.

Brian let out a sigh, and knocked the door, more softly than his partner. “Marius? It's Jonny and me, we just wanted to check on you. We are wo-"

“Can we come in?” Interrupted Jonny, twice as loud and barely containing himself to ask instead of just stomping in.

They waited for a while, but there was nothing from the other side. Jonny started to fidget with his feet.

“We should come in" he told Brian.

“We _would_ be breaking his privacy" he said, tough he agreed with Jonny.

“Not unless he tell us not to enter. There is a person on the other side who has been unresponsive for months and might need help. The boring thing to do definitely is to enter and help,” the mate reasoned.

“That’s not really how privacy works”, uncertainty on his voice.

“We have been inside before"

“Yeah, I know, but... just flip my switch and let’s get this over with.” He told him, defeated.

He was on MjE, which had seemed like a good idea this morning, but hadn’t imagine that he would run into this kind of situation. Jonny looked at him, examining his expression.

“Are you sure?” he asked. He knew that the drumbot usually preferred to debate his way into doing stuff, said that it saved him the headache.

“I should have seen this coming" he answered, moving his hair out of the way, his back to the man. “Yes, I am".

A few moments later, he was knocking again. “Marius? We are coming in”, Brian warned, and opened the door.

The first thing he noticed was how cold it was. Since his mechanization, temperature had become only a fact to him, but this couldn’t be comfortable. He saw Jonny shiver besides him, and he was not even inside the room.

The second thing was that it was dark. The only light came from the corridor, but he still couldn’t see the room very well (his eyes were in no way near as good as Tim's). More important, he couldn’t see Marius. So he touched tantalizingly the wall on his right until he found the screen, and turned the lights on.

The room was a mess. The air was damp, cold, and smelled as if it was barely been ventilated. There was one corner, near the bed, that looked as if the wardrobe had exploded, with belts and pants and googles all around the area. And the bed was barely visible, as now it formed the base of a respectable mountain of sheets and pillows and coats. From its insides, he cached a small whimper. He froze.

“Marius?” Jonny asked, sounding as uncertain as he felt, but trying to cover it.

He passed Brian and approached the bed, looking for any sign of life. He called him again. No answer.

He cautious extended his hand, and touched the place where the sound had came from (he prayed for it not to be an octokitten, it wouldn’t be convenient for him to loose a hand _right now_ ). The bulge below wailed, recoiling from the pressure, and as it moved, they realised that it was big enough for it to be Marius. Kind of. The important bit was that they seemed to have found him.

“Marius? We haven’t heard from you in a while, and wanted to check if everything was fine", Brian said, approaching a little. No response was given, but they heard his respiration becoming ratter erratic. They looked at each other, very, _very_ worried. He got even closer, going to where he supposed the head must be. Making a decision and looking a Jonny for approval, he warned the doctor, his voice slow and calm “Marius, I am going to remove the covers". He waited a little, in vain, and proceeded to do so.

His eyes caught for a moment on his hair, noticing the poor state it was in. He had always taken an extensive care of it, to the level of the one Tim took for his. That’s probably why it took him off guard to see it like that, flat against his head and full of knots, and if it was not shinning with grease, it was because it was also covered in dust and sweat and gods knows what else. It was a sad view indeed, but soon he got to the rest of him.

He wasn’t entirely uncovered, as there were some pillows over him. He moved further under them when he realised what was happening (which had taken him a worryingly amount of time to do so), but not before the drumbot saw his face. It was, as his hair, full of sweat and dust, but there were also what seemed like tiny scratches, and his ears were red. He had his eyes strongly closed, between a hard frown and a clutched jaw. He moved his arms to hide his face, curled up in a ball.

“Marius? What's – the lights" he interrupted himself, realising. He looked at Jonny, who was already going for the panel, and dimmed the lights. They could still see, but not much.

“It’s darker now" Brian whispered, wishing for a reaction. Still none. “Love, can you understand us?” He started to panic when the person in question started humming a single note, not variation or purpose apparent, other than to cover the metal man’s words.

Jonny had been watching silently to what was happening. Apparently, Marius had locked himself on his room, lights off as well as calefaction, buried under an arsenal of pillows and blankets. Isolating himself. Ignoring everything, including the voices of his partners. Retracting from any form of stimulation.

He realised he had seen this before.

Not exactly like this, and definitely not on Marius (tough now he couldn’t stop his brain from reminding him times that the baron had gone missing –those times it had only been a few days, this couldn’t have happened to him them, right? He hadn’t had any reason to worry, but maybe he should have. Marius was so thin and dirty and weak _and he was supposed to be captain he should have helped him then he shouldn’t have let this happen to him that’s why they didn’t want him as captain he was not capable of taking care of..._

_No, no,_ no.

He couldn’t let himself go, not right now.

He wanted to be called captain? He should do something about it. Like being one for fucks sake.

He had to focus.

_That’s what he had told him to do, focus, catch one thought and follow it back to reality like a thread grab it and not let it go like a thread like a yarn, roll it like a ball of wool. Little by little. One round, two round. Keep going until he was back. Until he was calmer. He would focus and go back._

_He had already seen something like this happen)._

But he had seen it, definitely, back when Carmilla was with them. And, more important, he had an idea as to what to do.

( _He could do it. He knew what to do. This was his yarn. He just had to do this things and not think about anything else. Brian was there if anything went wrong._

_He could do it)_

He knelt down next to Marius head. He paid attention to not invade his space, staying hands-off the bed, and started humming at the same note that he. He did it so a little lower, not wanting to attack him with the noise, but strong enough for him to hear it.

Brian looked at the pair. Jonny had approached the other one with a different kind of confidence that he usually wore – not his usual _I can and will kill you if I want to,_ but something that said _this is what has to be done_.

It may have to do with the attack he almost had a moment ago. It was second nature at this point for him to pay attention of any sign of them, and had a moment of worry as to what to do if it became worse, how to take care of _both_ of them at the same time. But then he appeared to have found some resolve and marched directly to the bed, the possibility of the attack still present, yes, but right now at the side.

He didn’t know yet if he approved of this new tactic he had apparently found, shoving it to the side and distracting himself with other's problems, but it seemed to be working. Good enough for now. It will have to do.

And apparently his confidence wasn’t in vain, because, after a while of humming, Marius seemed to start to relax. His face and back let go of the tension, and while his arms were still around his face, it wasn’t with the same fervour as before. Then, something that surprised the drumbot happened.

Marius lowered his voice a little, Jonny being the louder one now. He stayed like that for a little while, and then lowered it to his level. The fake doctor looked a little annoyed, but did not move. A moment later, he lowered his voice again. This continued until Marius stopped and Jonny's voice was so low he had to concentrate to hear him.

He then looked up at him, and Brian understood that look immediately. It said _I know what I’m doing, please let me take the lead?_ Brian nodded, recognising that this time he knew better.

He then began to say his name in between hums, a little at first, but after a while it was all that he was saying. Marius looked annoyed at this, and a little confused, and groaned a little, but he did not stop. He said his name even softer, if that was possible, until he calmed again and did not look confused anymore, and began to say some thing in the middle.

“...Marius, it's us, Brian and Jonny,” he told him a few times. And then, he added “…we need you to tell us if you can understand us”. The person in question looked more annoyed at this changes.

At one point he gave a short grumble, as in affirmation to what Jonny was saying, but he didn’t stop, considering that it might have been a coincidence. He did so when Marius repeated the noise, more insistent now.

“Good, that's very good Marius, thank you. This is Jonny, and Brian is here too. Can you give me an affirmation?” he asked him. When he didn’t react he started to repeat himself again, and was cut by what seemed a very exasperated grumble. Jonny smiled.

“...thank you, Marius, it was really good. Now a negation?” This time, he waited instead of try to repeat the message.

He gave a deep, two-toned noise.

Brian was perplexed by what he was seeing. Jonny like this, so patient and concerned, it was a new side of him. He knew that he cared a lot, always had, but not that he could be this calm and _good_ _at it._

“That was perfect, very well done. It was beautiful”, he told him, and watched the annoyance fade a little on him. “You are doing beautifully. Do you think you can say Brian's name?” he asked him, choosing the name of the drumbot because it was easier on the tongue than his, and also because he did not want to exclude him.

But something must have felt bad, because he altered, tensing up again, and breathing agitatedly. He backed up to the side opposite of them, and graved his head strongly, covering his face even more. He pressed himself against the mattress, wishing for it to grow a hole where he could hide.

Jonny went immediately back to his humming and saying his name, tough he was very surprised. He didn’t understand what have gone wrong, things seemed to be getting better. He looked up to Brian, who seemed as confused as him.

He started the process again, progressing as he calmed, with his name, and asking him if he could understand them. Marius picked up on that.

“ _What?”_ he asked them in an angry tone. They knew what he meant, _what do you want_ , and Jonny took his time before answering, slowly and soft.

“You are not well, and we want to help you. Can you tell us what’s wrong?” he said.

Marius started whimpering and rocking himself a little. Jonny, who was not yet over his first surprise, went back to humming and saying his name. This seemed to have some effect on him, as he stopped. The first mate started talking again, telling him that he did not have to say words if he didn’t want to, that he could keep making noises, that everything would be fine.

He spoke again. “’m tired", he said, voice barely understandable, “leave me".

“I’m afraid you’re not well, and we need to take care of you right now. You don’t have to do anything, I promise" Jonny tried to calm him, but failed expectaculary, as the man went back to whimpering, this time more loudly and distressed.

Marius rambled at them, words barely distinguishable one from another. Saying that he didn’t want to, that he couldn’t. That he was tires, too exhausted to do Communication. He tangled and untangled his fingers on his hair.

Brian tough that he understood what he meant. He had once tried to explain something similar to what he was saying, some weeks ago. He had been piloting the ship and programming the course Ivy had planned, and Marius had been there, keeping him company with his rambling. He had been talking about something like social exhaustion, or along those lines. He hadn’t thought that it was important, just Marius filling the silence, so he hadn’t pay much attention, only catching the basics. Maybe he should have. Had that been Marius way to try to tell him something personal? He felt guilty.

But he could ask him that later, because right now there was a situation. He thought about what to do.

He looked at Jonny to warn him, and he looked grateful, for he didn’t know what to say. Brian knelt beside him.

“Its okay, Marius, I understand”. Marius slowly stopped rocking, and went silent. “You told me about this that time on the bridge, didn’t you?” He nodded enthusiastically. Jonny looked curious. “I don’t remember much, I’m sorry, but if I’m not wrong it means that socialising takes too much energy right now that you don’t have, right? Understanding the other, reading them, that sort of stuff”, he said, slowly, for the benefit of everyone on the room.

After a while, he gave an affirmative noise.

“Okay, then what about this. You don’t answer us with words, or look at us, or search for interpretations,” he remember what he said, and had an idea. “In fact, you don’t have to be a person if you don’t want to. Not really. You could just react at what we say or do, like one of Raph's experiments. With the taps system, yes? One for yes, two for no.” he asked him.

Marius had gone completely still, and the sound of his thinking was audible. Jonny, who had spent enough time with Marius to know what could be going on his head, added:

“And you don’t worry or even consider our reactions. In fact, I’m prohibiting it. From now on and until we say so, you are not allowed to do so". He smiled, more of nerves than anything.

They waited a little, until a sound that could be interpreted as a yes came out of Marius. Brian, however, didn’t seem satisfied with that.

“Please, love, trust us? Let us take care of you" he begged.

This time he sounded more certain.

“Thank you", he said softly, and sat back on his heels. He looked at Jonny.

Jonny was feeling a little bad. What Brian said had made sense, and he even recalled Marius saying something about that, but didn’t remember much. He hadn’t been paying attention, obviously. But he hadn’t known it was something _this_ important! He would have payed attention otherwise. Of course he would have.

But he already knew where that line of thought would take him, and so repressed it, filing it in his now enormous file of “later", that was a pretty way to say “trash". It would probably come back to kick him in the ass, but still.

“I think you would feel better after a bath,” Brian proposed softly. “We could change the bed cloths, and get you something light for your stomach. How does that sound?”

Marius didn’t say anything.

Jonny took a wild guess about what could be bothering him. “We _want_ to help you. Do that. If you say that would help.” He managed to put into words. The drumbot smiled at that.

After a moment, he moved one of his hands from his hair to the side of the bed, taping it one time in agreement.

“I’m starting the bath", Jonny said then, and with that went to do just that.

Brian nodded, and returned his attention to Marius. He had hidden half his face again, shoving it into the pillow, and had his arms under his body. From what he could see, he seemed absorbed in some thought, brow furrowed and biting his lip. He wanted to press a finger on it, stop him before he draws blood like he does whenever he catches him, but that might have been too much right now. So he went for his hand, petting it softly with his thumb.

“I thought we said no overthinking”. Marius hid the rest of his face on the pillow, but before that he saw his face relax a little. Still, the hand he had reached for was now frozen under his, and he had always been a believer of being ratter safe than sorry. “Colour?” he asked.

He gave him one tap with his finger. Green, he translated.

“Thank you”, he told him, and spent a few moments more just petting him, a little more confident. But they couldn’t stay like this.

He still had a thin sheet over him, and some pillows, but he was probably naked under that, from what he could see, so it would be a thing less to worry about. After that he could probably carry him to the bath, and get him clean. It... It would take some time, probably, but they wouldn’t go for pristine conditions, just something acceptable to get him back to bed and make him eat something.

One by one, he took the pillows off of him, paying attention for any bad reaction. He seemed... tense, but doing well, altogether. He was trying to relax, that was obvious, with him taking deep, measured breaths, staying perfectly still. But he didn’t give any signal of wanting to stop, and so he took them all.

The blanket remained. Before going for it, he extended his hand to pet Marius' hair, the small locks behind his right ear, both in what he hoped was a reassuring gesture, and to see how he reacted to the touch. He would need to touch him later, and if he couldn’t take that, he would need to start thinking of a plan.

Fortunately, it didn’t seem to be a problem. He seemed to like it, actually, once he relaxed into it, giving him content little sound that encouraged him to sink his hand completely. A moments later, he added his other one, small touches on his neck and back, like they did after having sex, him ending up cuddling on top of his chest, refusing to move.

He cherished those moments. Marius was often the first to fall asleep, quickly followed by Jonny. The man preferred to rest his head on the drumbot shoulder, his arm surrounding him and pulling him near. Brian knew that it would probably be quite uncomfortable, were it not for their mechanisation. His entire body and limbs would fall asleep on him, to begin with. And his partners would probably be sore for many days, for sleeping on literally hard metal. Even when they said that their muscles healed too fast for them to notice, he knew that at least on the mornings they felt it. Jonny tried to discretely massage his neck, and Marius took his time to actually move and stand up. But the short one would insist that nothing was wrong, and that once you slept in the ground of the moon you could sleep anywhere, and Marius always came up with some fake story to compare the experience.

Not that he insisted much. Even when he knew it didn’t feel exactly as before, the pressure on him was rather nice.

He wished they were cuddling like that. Current situation aside, it was the only moments when he could have Jonny and Marius in the same room, and trust them to keep the peace and quiet. Maybe they could have a conversation, where Marius explained them what was happening. What could happen. What should they do.

He wasn’t angry with him for not telling them, per se. He was hurt. It was true that they had been together for a relative short time, and that there was no mark as to when to discuss your mental health with your partners, but still. He thought that they were closer.

He hadn’t imagine that he was keeping something like this from them. Why hadn’t he told them? He logically knew that he wasn’t entitled to know, but he still wanted to hear the reasoning behind the decision, or lack of thereof. Did he think that they would judge him? Not understand?

Brian had told him about the loneliness that sometimes came to him. How he still struggled with dark rooms, and how sometimes, when he was surrounded by people, with them screaming for whatever reason, his heart started to go faster and faster, as if remembering. He told him that if he went like that he should never grab or touch him. That calling him by his name helped.

He thought that Marius trusted him.

_Stop it_ , he told himself, once again. _You are not owned anything just because you share. Stop it. Stop thinking about it._

But the feeling wouldn’t go.

Which was ridiculous, because he understood. Even if he did not comprehend it entirely, he didn’t have to.

And he wasn’t angry with him. A little hurt, yes. A lot of hurt. But he just wanted to kiss him and reassure him and make him know that everything would be fine.

So, those thoughts didn’t matter. Not really, when the end was always helping Marius.

He should go back to that, actually.

With the hand that had been petting his back, he took the end of the blanket, and stood still for a second as to give him a warning.

His breathing started to speed up. Brian didn’t move, as if to give him the chance to calm to the idea of being exposed, but he just started quivering.

“Marius?” he asked, not daring to move in case to make it worse. “Give me a colour?”

He gave him what he must have tried to make a one tuned hum, but sounded more than a whimper. The drumbot worried.

“Maybe you forgot, but you are legally obliged to not lie to us about your feelings to make us feel better", he said, trying and failing spectacularly to use one of Jonny's jokes to make him feel better. “Marius", he insisted at his silence.

He gave him three low, shy hums. Yellow.

“It's okay, love, that's very good. Thank you for telling me”, while reassuming petting his hair. Small shivers still went on the man, and his breathing was rather fast. “Why don’t we stay like this for a little while?” He nodded.

It took its time, but slowly he calmed. Not entirely, there was still some tension from what he supposed must be the anticipation of him trying again to put his blanket away.

His voice was rough when he spoke, and Brian almost missed it.

“I’m sorry" he whispered.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry about" Brian was quick to respond.

He groaned. “This's stupid. You’ve seen me... plenty of times”.

“Not quite like this tough, love". He considered for a moment, and then crouched to give him a fast kiss on the head. Marius blushed, and give him a one tone, just in case he wanted the confirmation. Brian always did.

He had an idea. “Would it help, do you think, if I closed my eyes when getting the blanket off? I wouldn’t open them until you gave me the green", he proposed.

It was a while until he answered again. “It’s stupid", he repeated, but still give him a shy green.

“It's not, and I love you" he told him, because he felt it needed to be said. Marius just burrowed himself more on the pillow. “Would you prefer it if I got a blindfold?” he asked. Two-tones from him. No. “Okay. Should I just close my eyes?” One tone, and a whispered _I trust you_. His heart jumped a little at it.

He closed his eyes, and informed him so. Giving him a warning, he received a green, and proceeded to get rid of the blanket, slowly, and paying attention to any noise.

Once it was off, he decided that he should have a little pause to get used to it. A few seconds after, he felt in his hand Marius turning his head, now looking at him.

They both stood still, for fear of breaking the moment. Brian could practically feel his gaze on his, and his pulse on his hand, which was now nesting Marius' cheek and ear. He wondered what he was thinking.

He didn’t know how much time was spent like this, but he felt him shift his head, and a warm and moist spot on the inside of his hand.

He had given him a small kiss.

He contained himself, supressing his need to just go and hold him tight and _kiss him everywhere_ , and limited himself to a small caress with his fingers. He leaned on him, before burring his face again.

“You can open your eyes now", he mumbled.

He did.

Marius was... in expected conditions. They were immortal, but that didn’t mean that dying always suited them. Especially when it happened constantly, in a span of a few months. He was very, very thin, with his hip and spine standing out, stretching the pale skin. It was kind of flaky, he noticed, noticeable on the back. He was also covered on sweat, dead skin, and other things.

Brian had died of hunger, many times. Almost all of them had, at least three times, but he knew he would never get used to the sight. It always seemed indignant, no matter who it was. That was probably why he had reacted badly before. But he was still his Marius, the same one he had loved first a year ago, a month, yesterday, today and tomorrow, and for as long as he let him.

He told him that, because he felt he needed to. He told him again, while caressing his back, and once more with a small kiss on the palm of his hand, and on the small part of his cheek that was still visible. He did so again when he started apologising, and asked for a colour when he cried.

Marius clicked for green, various times, and then told him in words some more. He was trembling again. Brian thanked him every time, and started humming for him to try to calm him, as he had seen Jonny do.

It eventually worked. He kept with it for a few moments more, just in case.

Jonny came out of the bathroom, shoes in hand and wet. He looked at Marius, a weird expression on his face.

Whatever it was, it wasn’t good. Had he had one of his attacks while making the bath? He hadn’t been paying attention to him.

He should have. God, he _should_ have. What had he been thinking, just letting him go on his own? He had almost had an attack, what, an hour ago? Half? Those things didn’t just appear and disappear, and he had _forgotten_ about it. Good lord, what was _wrong with him?_

Was he in the middle of one right now?

He must have seen something in his face, because he gave him what was supposed to be a reassuring smile, and told him that he was fine (which didn’t mean anything at all), in a low voice. He also told him that the bath was ready.

Brian looked at Marius, who seemed calm enough. He then stood up and walked towards the first mate, still worried. Its not that he didn’t trust on him knowing whether he was fine or not, is that he didn’t trust him to tell him if he didn’t thought it was worthwhile. And Jonny tended to think very lowly of his feelings.

He now stood right in front of him, but he still wouldn’t look at his eyes. The drumbot looked back, to check on Marius, who seemed to be enjoying the peace, and then put a hand on his chest, right over his heart. Jonny put his over it, but didn’t move it.

“Are you sure?” he asked him.

“I... I might not be a thousand percent fine. But I want to do this. Preparing the bath, burning the sheets. That kind of stuff. It helps.”

“I don’t recall agreeing to burning Marius sheets", he said.

“I think we can all agree that the means justify the end right now", he told him, grinning at him. Brian punched his chest lightly. “But, I’m serious. Just. Trust me?” he finally looked up at him.

He let out a sight. “I do. I do," for better or for worst, he didn’t add.

“Great”

Brian looked at him for a moment, checking that everything was fine. Once he was satisfied with what he found, he went back next to the bed.

“Marius?” he nudged at him, petting his hair again. “The bath is ready. I am going to carry you there now, if that’s alright".

But that didn’t seem to be the case. He first noticed that something wasn’t right when his breathing became kind of erratic again. He was keeping a close eye on it, and it gave him a heads up. He called at him, saying his name in what he hoped was a calming tone, but it had the opposite effect, as Marius took his hands to his ears, trying to tune it out, and started to, hum? Whine? Whatever it was, it was bad.

Oh, god, what should he do? It didn’t seem that the humming thing would be helpful right now, not when saying his name provoked something like this. And he didn’t seem very prone to touch, _and he started to rook now and he didn’t know what to do, how to help him_.

Luckily, Jonny was there, already steeping in. He didn’t seem so sure, like before, but he seemed like he had something of a plan. He looked at Brian, and then turned his attention to the not doctor.

He put a finger on his back, right on the middle, and began to move it up and down pretty quickly. Marius tried to shake him off, but he persisted, pushing harder and sometimes even using his nail when he managed to distract himself from it.

Now he seemed a bit more annoyed than distressed, but the panic was still there. And then Brian noticed something.

Jonny was moving his finger up and down in a way that almost matched Marius' breathing. When he inhaled it went up, and down with the exhalation. It went a bit slower, tough.

Soon after him, Marius seemed to catch that, too, and did the natural thing of trying to match it, if only for there to be less stimulation. Jonny smiled a little at that, more of relief than anything, but still stayed quite serious. He pressed softer with his finger, as if to tell him that he was doing what he wanted. He kept the rhythm for a while, and then, like with the humming, he slowed a little, encouraging him to do the same with his breaths.

It took its time, but finally he calmed down. He didn’t stop, tough.

“We are not going to do anything you don’t give us the green to", Jonny told him, “but we need to know what set you off. Was it the bath? Touching you?” No answer.

Brian looked at Marius, completely lost. He hadn’t had a problem, before, with the idea of a bath. Having to finally face it might have stroked him different, yes, but still. He didn’t think it was Jonny's presence either, as he had seemed to recoil from his words, not the man that appeared after.

He had told him that he would take him, maybe it had to do with touch? But he had touch him before, and yes, maybe at the beginning he had been a little skittish, but later seemed to enjoy it.

When getting the sheets off him he had had a similar reaction, so it wouldn’t be that off to bet for getting out of bed being the reason. Or exposing himself? But he had already seen everything...

Well, not everything, he realised. He had hidden his face all along on the pillow. What is more, he had only showed it when he was sure he wouldn’t be seen.

So, not so much of a crazy theory.

Next to him, Jonny was looking at him, worried. He realized he must have zooned out, and left the poor man alone in all this madness. He scolded himself, and gave him a smile that he hoped said _it’s all right now_.

He looked at the man in the bed. “Marius? It just occurred to me that perhaps you don’t want to show your face", he told him. The person in question froze. “It's okay if you don’t want to. We can do it slowly, like when I took the sheets". A response, too quick that he almost missed it. Two clicks, red. _No_.

He was taken aback at that. “Oh. Okay", he said, and looked over at Jonny to see if he had any idea of what to do next.

He apparently did but seemed nervous about it, biting his lip. “What about... I mean, how would you feel about a blindfold? Would that make it better?” Jonny asked.

He was surprised at the suggestion, but Brian admitted that it did make sense. They had only used one with Marius on a sexual context (which was probably why he was anxious at suggesting it), but he always seemed more relaxed when doing so. More entrusting.

Before Marius, when things had been worst, they had tried it with more therapeutic purposes on Jonny. It hadn’t worked, bringing him even more on edge, but it made sense to try it.

In the mean time, Marius had been remaining silent, tough Jonny would be willing to bet that he was biting his checks or lips right now. Finally, he spoke.

“I... It's dumb...” he said, self-conscious.

Jonny was fast to answer. “I thought we agreed on you not worrying on those stuff. Being an experiment, and all that”. His tone went then sterner. “And is not fucking dumb if it helps, asshole".

Brian saw where this was going, and took Jonny's hand, adding “Do you want to try?”

Three clicks. Yellow. Go slow. He catches the message.

“Okay, I’m going to get some cloth now", he tells him, and gets up to go to the wardrobe.

It is a big mess, and there were a lots of belts and coats and _google(s)_ of colours he didn’t even know were allowed to exist, but he eventually found an allegedly tie that seemed soft enough for what he needed. He went back to his place next them.

“Marius? I got a tie, from your wardrobe. It's the red and purple one", he added, just in case. “I was thinking that perhaps you could turn to face away from us, and lift your head a little, so I can put it on”.

He stayed silent for a while. Finally, he gave a yellow.

“Okay, that’s good. That’s perfect. I will warn you before anything, and you can always tell me to stop”, he said. “Whenever you are ready".

He seemed to be working in his respiration, breaths long and calculated. He turned, and almost instantly lift his head.

As promised, Brian narrated each action before engaging on it, and soon enough they had a blinded Marius resting head up on the bed, tough still shy about looking at their direction.

“Do you think it would be a good idea for me to carry you to the bath, now?” the drumbot asked.

He considerate it, and gave a yes.

Brian picked him up, and then Jonny was alone again in the room.

He sat there for a moment, hearing the noises from the bathroom, and thinking about what must be happening. He heard when Marius got into the water, and hoped that he had choose the right temperature, that it hadn’t gone cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hides*


	4. In which Jonny burns a bed

When he had gone to start the bath, Jonny had been faced with quite a choice. Apparently, Marius had managed to save some preferences regarding temperature, despite the fact that the panel attached to the tap did not have that function. And of course he had put on some weird names on it, the fucker.

So, instead of the two bars indicating cold and hot water respectably, he saw things like _Sunshine in a field_ , or _Serenity winds,_ and many more weird shit like that, and honestly? The mate wasn’t surprised (it had already been proved that Marius was a bath freak. He had been known for his collection of that pink ball stuff, and shit that made bubbles). He just wished the man could be clearer with what he meant, for fucks sake _(what on the Aurora did Petrichor meant?)_.

He stood there, full of confusion, and considering just pressing all at once and hoping for the best, when he saw one option that seemed simple enough. _Calmness._ Well, he guessed that they could all use some of that, and put it on.

Next, he searched for the small heater he _knew_ must be somewhere in here, mainly because it had been stolen from him. He had stolen it back, of course, but then Marius had done the same, and by now they were practically sharing it. And Jonny hadn’t stolen it back in some time, for obvious reasons, so it must be somewhere in there.

He connected it and placed on top of a weird basket, aligning so that it would heat the towel that was hanging in one of the walls (because everyone loved to wrap themselves on a warm towel after getting out of a bath, duh).

Finished with that, Jonny took over one cabinet, searching on its insides. He found a shampoo and something that he didn’t know what it was, but it was next to it and the conditioner, and smelled nice. He left both bottles near the bath.

There was also a green bottle, with a picture of some bubbles and kids playing. Now, he knew Marius was overwhelmed, and that because of that reason a green bubbling bath would be probably worst that a normal one. But then, maybe he would want the familiarity? When was the last time he had taken a bath of normal water colour, anyway? Probably never.

And so, because of that he took the thing, and one of those balls, for the same reasons (a green one, to match or whatever), and left it next to the others...

What else, now? What else?

He cleaned some dirt that had settle for disuse, and rearranged every single cupboard he could reach to, and stared at the ones he couldn’t with disdain. It occurred to him that perhaps Marius would feel better if he brushed his teeth, and so left his toothpaste and toothbrush next to the other stuff, so Brian would see it. He also left a comb there, just in case.

The water hadn’t even filled a third of the bath.

Which, okay, it was fair, it was a big bath. But then, Jonny had run out of things to do. The only thing he needed to do was to make sure the bath wouldn’t spill, and any idiot could do that with their eyes closed.

And so Jonny sat, and watched, and waited.

He hoped that everything was perfect for Marius, and wondered if there was anything he was missing. Some way he could help.

He had some weighted blankets, he remembered. He had got a pair in that weird planet with the ants, one for him and one he had given to Nastya as a present (or, more than given, thrown into her bedroom while she wasn’t looking so he wouldn’t have to deal with her reaction, or any _emotion,_ god forbid). He had given her the less bloodied one, yes, but his wasn’t _that_ bad. He could put the cleaner side up and no one would notice. Probably.

Yes, he would absolutely bring those, once he finished tossing Marius' blankets to the incinerator. Brian might not approve, but it was for sanitary reasons. Those things were disgusting and did not deserve to live on his ship. It also had nothing to do with the horrible, blinding and horrendous design it had (but added points to his idea).

What else, what else.

There was a little voice whispering in his mind: _why had Marius..._

The pillows! Marius loved his pillows, the ones that had a rough texture but were still soft. He loved to shove his face into them when they slept on his bed. He had gotten him some similar, but thought best to wait to give them to him.

_Why had Marius hidden this from them?_

He would have to make something for him to eat, also. Marius was the beat cook out of all of them, followed by Brian, and Jonny was only above of Ashes, who tended to set everything on fire more often than him (and probably on purpose). But! He could make a decent soup, which was probably the only thing his stomach would take now, anyway.

_Maybe he just didn’t trust them with this. Or didn’t want to get too attached to them, to him, have you seen Jonny? He burns the kitchen down while trying to boil water, why would anyone..._

His violin! How could he had forgotten about it? It was probably in a very bad condition, and that would make Marius sad. He needed to take care of it, make sure to store it safely.

_And he didn’t even know how fucked up he was! Or maybe he did, and was angry that he hadn’t told him, and so hadn’t told him about his shit in return, and was now hating them for forcing themselves into him..._

He...

He didn’t know why he hadn’t told them, and Brian would tell him that he shouldn’t draw conclusions, not with something like this. That he should have a serious talk with Marius, and tell him how he felt.

As if.

He knew Marius lied, it was practically a second nature for him by now, but he hadn’t thought that he would lie to _them_. Not about something like this, at least.

Didn’t he trust them? He had told them that he loved them. He had told Jonny that, and that he didn’t need to hear it back because he knew him, but what if he was _lying_. What if he _had_ needed to hear the words, what if he was disappointed on him, _what if he had grown tired of waiting for him and just wanted to let go, what if it wasn’t true anymore, because he was Jonny and he had fucked up again and he realised it was everything he could do once and twice and again and_

It was the sound of water that brought him back _he had fucked up again, so soon_

The bath was spilling, water everywhere on the floor, _any idiot could keep it from spilling._ He got up and closed the water tap, and searched for something to start drying... all.

_Even an idiot could keep it from spilling_

_He had been given the easiest task and still fucked up_

He couldn’t, he couldn’t, not now. He couldn’t start spiralling right now, he wasn’t the one that needed help. This was about Marius, who was in a horrible state and they had to help him, not make it about himself.

What was that thing Brian taught him? Five things he could see, four things he could hear... or was it feel? That didn’t matter. He focused on that while cleaning his mess.

And later on, when he was alone in the bedroom, he started to clean Marius’ mess.

He started by first shoving all the cloths to the corner near his wardrobe. Next he piqued up the things on the floor, and when he found the violin, carefully cleaned it up. It was in obvious need of a tune, and maybe a change of strings, but it was better once he took care of it. He put in on its case and carried on.

He took the sheets to the incinerator, and found that the mattress was in no better state, so into the fire it went. It wasn’t as if they were short of beds anyway.

The pillows were also bad, but he only burnt its cases, and put to the washing machine the rest. Getting used to a new pillow was hard, after all.

But now they had no bed for him to rest.

Uh.

Perplexed by this outcome, he went to the bathroom door and carefully knocked on, just one time. It was enough for the drumbot to appear.

“Are you okay?” Brian asked.

He pretended to be annoyed by the question. “Yes, of course I’m okay, I told you before. Anyway, would you ask Marius if he would like to maybe sleep on my bedroom? Or yours, whatever he wants"

“Sleep on... Jonny, what did you do?” he looked past him and the bed. “Jonny! Did you burn his _entire bed?”_ he half shouted half whispered, trying to not worry Marius.

“On my defence, it was in a horrible state!” he said on the same tone.

But he was starting to worry. Had he really fucked up again, so soon? He had covered his past mistake, but he didn’t know how to fix it. He had made things worst, _again._ Ugh. It was a talent, at this point.

Brian must have seen something was wrong, because he quickly dropped it.

“I'll ask him". Jonny nodded.

Maybe he wouldn’t mind? He always said how he preferred to sleep on their beds. Of course, that was when he had the _option_ to sleep on his. An option Jonny had burned to ashes.

Brian came back. “I asked him. He says he prefers yours.” He smiled at him. “He loves your pillows"

“My pillows are fucking awesome" he answered, tough without feeling.

He felt him take his hand on his, and looked at them. It was oddly calming, the sight of the yellow brass against his skin, the black and red of his nails standing out.

Maybe things weren’t so bad. Maybe he could make up for his mistakes, fix things. He would do better, even _talk_ if that’s what they wanted from him.

“You know, he really liked the bath" he commented.

Jonny made a curious noise.

“He seemed nervous to get in, but relaxed when feeling the water. I saw the thousand options the panel had, seems like you made a good choice". He looked at him, hoping for a reaction.

He smiled, content, and closed his eyes to relish on the feeling. He had done well. He had taken care of Marius right, hadn’t fucked up as much as he thought. He hadn’t realised how nervous he was until the pressure on his chest relented a little.

“Thank you", Jonny said, and opened his eyes. He felt much better. Brian had that effect on him.

Brian squeezed his hand. “Are you sure you are all right?”

“I am not the one that had been dying nonstop for three months", he groaned.

“That doesn’t make you less important", he reminded him.

Jonny snorted. “Well, what about you? How are _you?_ ” he threw him back.

Brian didn’t fall for that.

“Not too good, to be honest. I am worried for both of you, how to help you. I also feel hurt for finding out this thing about Marius like that. I can’t help thinking of why he would keep this from us, if we did something to make him not trust us.” Jonny was surprised at his sudden honesty. But why surprised, he didn’t know. That was Brian, after all.

Brian, who still hadn’t finished. He took a deep breath, for what he knew was the worst part. “And guilty, for letting this go on for so long, when you were right from the beginning, insisting on checking up on him. Maybe if I hadn’t told you to wait, this wouldn’t be so bad. He would be better”, he confessed.

That... that had been rough. He casted his eyes down, to their hands.

That last part had manage to shock Jonny.

“What? Brian, no. Listen, this is not your fault. You just wanted to respect his privacy, do the right thing. You couldn’t have known". He was struggling to find the right words to make him understand.

Brian smiled, a little sad.

“I know that, logically. As I’m sure you know that your feelings are important, and whatever is bothering you is not truth”. He played with his fingers. “But knowing one thing and believing it are very different things.”

Jonny should be angry at having been played like a cheap kazoo, but he couldn’t find the energy. And, not that he would ever admit it, it made him feel better.

“Asshole", he told him, nonetheless. “But, you might have a point", he admitted reluctantly.

“Maybe" he said in response.

They stood like that for a few moments, neither looking at the other, until Jonny took a step forward and shoved his head on his shoulder.

“Could we... we should probably get back. To all that. And maybe, later? Do something about all this. When Marius' better" he suggested.

Brian turned his head to give him a kiss on the hair. “That sounds good" he answered on a low voice.

Jonny shoved himself a little more before retreating.

“I better ready my room" he told the drumbot, and got out of the room. Too many feelings.

With this new peace he walked the corridor until there. It wasn’t that big of a distance, but moving after all of that certainly made him feel better.

As he walked, he tried to remember the state of his bedroom. It couldn’t be that bad, could it? It had been a couple of months since he had been there, so there was that. And before that he didn’t spent much time in there, except for clothes and to replace the occasionally harmonica stolen by Tim.

But, as Jonny forgot, the fact that he didn’t spend much time in there meant that he also didn’t spend much time cleaning it, so the disaster of years had accumulated, earning a groan from the owner.

Ordering his room was... exiting. He found things long since forgotten (it turned out that Tim hadn’t steal as many harmonicas as he had thought). He also found new pests (some small green bug, nothing that a group of locked octokittens couldn’t handle), dry nail polish, and some pages with random music scribbled on them. It took a lot of self control not to get distracted, tough he ended with a different outfit that the one he entered with.

Finally, _finally_ , when the bed was clean, the trash hidden and the bugs convinced of staying hidden by the power negotiation and lead, he went to the kitchen to make something.

Jonny didn’t know much about cooking, or the kitchen for that matter (save for where they stored the alcohol and poison), but he managed to find some vegetables to make a soup with. He chopped them small, because it was going into a soup, _duh._ Meat would probably be too much for him right now, but he also took some cheese, because _who ate soup without cheese_ , and put it on the counter.

He was stirring the thing when he received a message from Brian, saying that they were done and was going to take Marius to his room. He texted back, letting him know that he was almost done with food.

He prayed for the stupid green things to remember what happened when they met a mechanism, and stay hidden.

Another text. _He is doing a lot better._

That made him smile.

 _I'm glad,_ he answered, and started to pour the soup on a plate. Taking some water, he made his way toward his bedroom.

He's better, things were going great, and the day was almost finished.

He could survive this, he told himself.

Probably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it is now updated, bit shorter than the others if im not wrong, sorry. next chapter should be up next week. if you want to yell something in the comments, please do. and if you think that i missed some important tag i beg you to let me know. also i love jonny. thank you.


	5. In which Brian helps Marius

Marius was way too light.

He had carried him before, mostly joking, but even if he hadn’t he would still know the difference. It was too obvious.

Of course, he should have expected that. He had seen how thin he was, he could feel right now almost every bone he touched. But it still managed to surprise him.

“Marius? I’m letting you down now, and I’ll help you get into the bath, okay?” He heard him hum in affirmation.

He ended up sitting him on the edge of the tube, next to some stuff Jonny had probably set apart for him. There was the basics, shampoo, tooth paste and toothbrush, and also other things that he supposed were in case Marius wanted, like one of his bath bombs and the bubble bottle. He had put a towel near the heater they both shared, so it would warm it, and the whole room, up.

It made him feel warm inside, seeing how much he cared.

“How would you feel about brushing your teeth?” he asked him, getting on the task.

Marius made a disgusted face, recoiling over himself at the picture.

“Okay, no brushing then", he said, before he could answer. “Do you want to feel the water? I... forgot to tell Jonny about your water system. We can change it, if you want, it would just take a couple of minutes.”

He really should have warned Jonny. Unlike him, he had no idea of the changes Marius had installed to the panel, and he amused himself imagining his reaction to it.

His face at reading _honey hibiscus._

But he seemed to have made a good choice, because Marius got him out of his daydreaming by giving a tap of affirmation.

“Right.” He considered for a moment how to pursue. “I can hold you from your arms, and you get your legs inside. Do you think you could do that? I'll warn you before letting go" he quickly added.

He agreed, and so Brian carefully lifted him, and he got into the bath. He leaned him slow, not wanting to hurt him, and waited for his confirmation before releasing his arms.

Marius was stiff as a board, and very still. He looked like one of those dogs terrified of water getting a bath, too afraid too move. At first, Brian assumed that it was just the change of pace, but soon started to worry.

“Do you want me to get you out?” he changed his question. “What’s your colour?”

Three taps, given very fast they almost didn’t distinguish one from another. Yellow.

“Would it help if I talked to you?” he asked.

He shook his head in movements more irregular than he normally would. Then, he stopped and looked at his general direction, chin up, and hummed in a more demanding tone.

He was lost for a little bit until he remembered. “Do you want me to do the humming, like before?” He nodded.

Brian started, with Marius following him soon after. It took him a little more time than before, and he seemed to frustrate more often than then, but eventually they got there.

He had sat on the floor meanwhile, not wanting to accidentally touch him. He imagine that his distress had to do with having now all the stimuli from the water, and refused to make it worst.

When they finished he stayed silent, just in case. Decided to wait a minute or two. Rest a little.

Marius looked like he needed the rest. They had been in the crew for what, a year, four? It wasn’t long for them, not when they had millennia to compare, but it still shook him to see him like this, seemingly out of the blue.

He wasn’t a particularly introverted person, and he had never seen him shy away from the rampage their crewmates were prone to create. He seemed to even indulge on it, most of the time. But this couldn’t just appear, out of nowhere. There must have been signs he had missed.

They hadn’t had any concert yet, not since he arrived, but they did practice a lot. And if Marius preferred to spent some time alone after that, it wasn’t unusual, was it? Tim and Ivy often did the same, and even he found himself retreating to the bridge and its peace after a particular taxiing afternoon.

There was no way that something like this happened before, at least not that lasted more than a day or three.

But it could have happened, in a shorter way.

And he never said anything.

Well, that wasn’t completely true. He had tried to explain it at least once, or something like that, as it had been earlier established. Just that he had forgotten to mention he had been talking about himself, or that it was important for him to know. He would have paid more attention, asked more questions.

But maybe that was the problem. He didn’t pay enough attention, he didn’t seem to notice things where bad until they exploded right on his face.

Jonny had known. He had insisted at him, on multiple occasions for three months. He had known that something was wrong with him, that it wasn’t normal behaviour, and he had shrugged it off. If it were for him, they would have found Marius much sooner, and perhaps could have helped, put an end on it before it reached this point.

And the text he had sent. It had seemed weird. He should have acted as soon as he got it. He should have played more attention.

Maybe that’s why he hadn’t told him. Because he didn’t believe he knew him all that well. That he would pay attention. That he would _understand._

_I'm sorry,_ he thought to him, feeling like a failure.

He intellectually knew he was being an idiot, with those thoughts. If it were Jonny he would reprimand him, telling him about intentions, how he couldn’t have known, and how he would never have left if he knew something was wrong.

It wasn’t that simple. His mind was torn, between that side that spoke soft words to him, and the other who told him that it wasn’t enough. That he had had a bad feeling, that Jonny had had a bad feeling, but he still chose to drag _the whole crew, not just them, everyone_. That he had isolated Marius and left him in a cold, dark room in that state of mind for three whole months. That whether he liked it or not, he was responsible, in some way.

He was in EjM, after all, and it wasn’t just a way of deciding what action to take, but a set of principles to judge them. And it said that, whatever he had done, he had thought, it was irrelevant in comparison to the results. And there was one clear result of his actions.

He had hurt Marius.

Maybe that was why he hadn’t told them.

He should stop thinking about this, he told himself, massaging the brick of his nose. He should set those thoughts aside for later examination and concentrate on the present task, as Raph would say.

There was a single knock on the door. _Jonny_. Thank the Lord.

“I am going to see what Jonny need, but I'll remain attentive in case you need something, okay?” he warned him, and got up when he nodded.

When he opened the door (just a little, didn’t want to harm Marius) he noticed that Jonny didn’t look... well, stable was a word.

The wet ends of his pants and sleeves from arranging the bath hadn’t dried yet, but he didn’t seem to mind. He had some kind of lost look on his face- no, not lost. Disperse? As if he was focusing on a lot of things, but none of those were the now. Brian noticed he was also chewing on his cheek, as he often did when nervous. His gaze was drifting from point to point.

“Are you okay?” he stupidly asked, because he was clearly not.

He gave him a hard look and scoffed, annoyance as fake as his rank.

“Yes, of course I’m okay, I told you before.” He opened his mouth to remind him of how that conversation had actually gone, but he kept talking. “Anyway, would you ask Marius if he would like to maybe sleep on my bedroom? Or yours, whatever he wants"

Wait, what?

“Sleep on... Jonny, what did you do?”

He looked past him. Where before had been a perfectly nice (if dirty), comfortable, and owned-by-someone-who-wasn't-Jonny bed, now only stood the support, and he was sure that it only was because the first mate couldn’t carry it by himself.

He had to contain himself to keep his voice low.

“Jonny! Did you burn his _entire bed?”_ he had no idea why he was asking.

Marius was going to kill them once he gets better.

“On my defence, it was in a horrible state!” he said on the same tone.

Did he really need to give him a lesson about boundaries? Right now?

He was starting to think about how to explain why you can’t just burn someone else's bed when he realised he didn’t need to. Jonny was nervous, even more than before, and he could recognize the look on his face from when he was starting to spiral.

He didn’t need a lecture, not when his brain was already taking care of that. He let it go.

“I'll ask him", he said.

Brian closed the door carefully, and turned back to the inside.

Marius had apparently submerged himself on the water, because his hair was wet now. Instinctive worry kicked in, until he saw that he was not only calm, but that he seemed to be doing something with his hands. Some sort of exercise, he guessed.

He remember how he had said that this wasn’t something new to him.

Shoving that thought to the side, he approached the tub, being careful to make some noise to alert him of his presence, but not much. He turned his head a little, not to face him but to acknowledge his presence.

“We wanted to know if you would accept to sleep in one of our beds, tonight. Yours isn't... in the best conditions". It wasn’t a lie, he told himself. It was just an unspecified truth, because telling him the whole truth might not be the best move right now.

Had his face illuminated or was it just him?

“Jonny's?” he said in a raspy voice, surprising the bot.

“Yes, of course", he could barely keep the smile from his voice. “You just want to get your hands on his pillows, don’t you?” he dared to joke.

He smiled, and it seemed authentic, and then turned his face to the front.

It was fine, more than fine. They had joked, and he had smiled. Things were getting better.

Back to Jonny, then.

“I asked him. He says he prefers yours.” He smiled at him. “He loves your pillows".

“My pillows are fucking awesome" he answered, but there was none of the usual pride on his voice.

Was he still feeling guilty about the bed? Brian shouldn’t have reacted like that, he should have known. He had managed to make it worse on him, hadn’t he?

He took one of his hands in his, trying to distract him. Ground him. And if it also worked for him, then it was a bonus.

He toyed a little with his fingers, looked at his nails. He had painted them red and black, with no apparent order as usual. They were longer than his, as he didn’t have to worry about them interfering with his instrument.

He was always surprised at how well he took care of them. One would say that between the gunfire and explosions and Jonny's attitude towards life in general they wouldn’t stand a chance. But they did. He sometimes filed them, at night or after eating, and more than once had asked Marius to paint them, but always at gunpoint in case he decided to change the colours to something more _alive,_ on the ~~doctor~~ words.

Things got quieter. He decided to go for some indirect praising. “You know, he really liked the bath”

He didn’t lift his gaze from their hands, just making a noise. Brian continued.

“He seemed nervous to get in, but relaxed when feeling the water. I saw the thousand options the panel had, seems like you made a good choice"

He looked up at his face, trying to see if he was helping at all.

Jonny seemed more relaxed, even smiling at him. He closed his eyes for a long moment, and thanked him before opening them again.

He was better, yes, but he still worried. He squeezed his hand.

“Are you sure you are all right?” he asked him, already expecting the groan

“I am not the one that had been dying nonstop for three months".

Well, that was bullshit, irrelevant, and had a thousand fallacies. 

“That doesn’t make you less important", is what he went for.

“Well, what about you? How are _you?_ ” he counterattack.

It wasn’t the first time they had this same discussion. Who's better and who's worst, who should be comforting who. He wanted to make him understand that trauma wasn’t a competition.

He knew his lines, not that it made it easier to say them.

“Not too good, to be honest. I am worried for both of you, how to help you. I also feel hurt for finding out this thing about Marius like that. I can’t help thinking of why he would keep this from us, if we did something to make him not trust us.” Jonny seemed surprised, but if it was at Brian's feelings or honesty, he couldn’t tell.

But he hadn’t finished yet. He took a deep breath, for what he knew was the worst part. “And guilty, for letting this go on for so long, when you were right from the beginning, insisting on checking up on him. Maybe if I hadn’t told you to wait, this wouldn’t be so bad. He would be better”, he confessed.

It was as much of a relief as a pain to say it aloud. It felt realer now, and he had to actually deal with it, instead of focusing on others problems.

He casted his eyes downwards toward their hands.

Jonny stood silent, probably processing his words, before speaking. “What? Brian, no. Listen, this is not your fault. You just wanted to respect his privacy, do the right thing. You couldn’t have known". He seemed to be trying hard to find something to say.

Brian decided to put him out of his misery.

“I know that, logically. As I’m sure you know that your feelings are important, and whatever is bothering you is not truth”. He played with his fingers. “But knowing one thing and believing it are very different things.”

He waited for his reaction.

“Asshole", he said, at being caught. Then, lower, reluctantly. “But, you might have a point"

“Maybe" he said in response.

They stood like that for a few moments, neither looking at the other, until Jonny took a step forward and shoved his head on his shoulder.

To Brian's surprise, he was the first to speak.

“Could we... we should probably get back. To all that. And maybe, later? Do something about all this. When Marius' better" he suggested.

Jonny, suggesting to actually deal with a problem. Not for the first time today, he felt proud of him.

He kissed his hair. “That sounds good"

Jonny shoved himself a little more on him, and the drumbot wished they could stay like this a little longer.

“I better ready my room", he said, and left the room.

Brian smiled. That was Jonny for you.

He looked at the door for a moment more, and then went back to the bathroom. He was surprised at what he saw.

Not only was Marius way more relaxed, but he had gotten the tie off of him. He had his arms extended in front of him, palms of the hands pressed together, and occasionally moving a finger or two. By the way he concentrated on the simple action, Brian deduced it must be some sort of exercise to help with... all this.

He spent a moment watching him in silence, thinking about the recent events, and actually taking a much appreciated break from the situation in general. Things seemed to be good for a moment, and the sensation was welcomed.

Marius opened his eyes, slowly, and stared at the wall in front of him. Brian made sure to stay silent.

He looked at his hands, and at himself in general. He moved to the wall, and the room in general (evading the lights and its brightness). He finally looked at his direction, eyes first on his shoes, and ascending on Brian’s body.

He got to his face, and Brian smiled, trying to show him that things were okay. He quickly casted his eyes back to the bath, expression blank.

Brian was about to say something, when he tried again. He could see him biting his cheeks in a nervous reflex, and knew that he was trying oh so hard. He waited for him to work on him, and didn’t say anything until his gaze rested on his chest, apparently unmoving for now.

“Marius?” he hummed back at him. “How would you feel about me washing your hair?” he asked, thinking that perhaps it would help him.

He thought for it, and after a short while gave him a green.

The drumbot walked towards him, in very regulated steps. Marius kept his eyes on his chest all the while, not stopping with the biting. Now that he was near, he could also see his hands fidgeting below the water. Things were near to get bad, he knew, too close to being too much for him probably, but Marius had said that he was alright with him getting near, and Brian choose to believe him, hoping that he would let him know if he needed him to stop.

Which was not to say that he didn’t took his precautions. He kneeled next to him, with Marius looking at his hand as Brian was not really on his field of vision anymore. He stayed without moving in silence, and waited for him to calm down. Then, after giving him a warning, touched his hair. It was grassy, and nasty from all the time he spent under the covers, but it was nothing that a nice washing wouldn’t solve.

“Can you tilt your head back for him? I’m going to pour water over your hair” he asked him.

With a cup he found near him, he filled it with water and used it to wet the violinist hair. He had done as Brian asked, eyes closed with the same blank expression than before, and allowed him to do as he pleased. Brian had put a hand on his forehead, so he could make sure none of the water went to his face.

He repeated the action a few times to make sure the worst part had already left and the hair was properly wet. Only then he reached for the shampoo and properly washed him.

His metal finger diffed on his scalp, stroked every lock and curl to clean it properly. Marius moaned in a low voice, so he got confident to go a little harder. The man practically melted under him.

When was the last time they had done this? Not literally bathing, but having moment like this, in silence and just enjoying each other company, touching or cuddling or just being near. Marius was a very tactile person, he had learned early on their relationship, and always delighted on those small touches. A kiss on the forehead, a hand through his hair. He felt guilty when he couldn’t remember.

“Do you want to wash yourself with the soap?” he said, the object in question on his hand.

He nodded, grabbing the soap from him and getting on it. Brian kept focusing on his hair, combing through it and separating the knots that had formed. It wasn’t as bad or tangled as before, luckily, but there were still a few knots he took the time to disarm.

Once Marius was as clean as he could probably get that day, the drumbot helped him out of the bath and dried it with the towel. It was, as expected, warm and fluffy, and it made Marius let out a small smile. There was nothing better than a nice bath, and an equally nice towel, all improved by that little heater at the corner and the presence of a beloved and caring boyfriend. It made his dumb little heart relish on the sensation of, well, existence, and for the first time in an undefined long while, he was glad he wasn’t alone.

Maybe, just maybe, there were moments worth existing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are no words that can describe with enough clarity how much i ended up pulling my teeths out to write this chapter. And sorry that it is kind of late, it was just. Very hard. Dont know why. Also, would love to hear what you think of it, if you feel like it.
> 
> If you thing there is any tag that should be added, please let me know.


	6. In which pillows and blankets are enjoyed

They both knew that the only reason the room was so clean was because Jonny had worried for once about making it presentable. Still, Marius smiled as he saw the pile of god’s knows what under an alleged rug in a corner, behind a chair.

Letting go of Brian, he got up to the bed, stretching all over it before setting in a ball in the middle of it. He looked at the man, expectantly.

Brian just chuckled at the sight and climbed on, passing over Marius to be at the wall side of the bed. Once there, he leaned back, and Marius settled half over him.

He let go a soft hum when Brian started petting his hair.

“I'm sorry", he mumbled.

“It's alright", he shushed him. “I promise". He got a non-comital noise in response, and a nice silence settled in. Brian closed his eyes to enjoy the peace.

_Everything's fine now_

It didn’t last long.

“I... I'll tell you guys what happened. I promise. I'll explain, we can talk... just, not now? Later, maybe?” he didn’t lift his head from the brass chest.

“Of course. Whenever you are ready", he assured him, rising a little to give him a short kiss on the head.

Marius hummed in appreciation, and the quiet came back. Brian got his hands back to his hair.

He didn’t know how long it lasted, until Jonny came in with food. He opened the door carefully, trying not to make too much noise, and waited until Brian gave him a nod to enter. Doing his best to not spill any soup (ending up with a stain the size of his hand, anyway. But! He restrained from cursing. Too much. He was proud.), he let the tray on the bedside table, one that he had cleaned (thrown everything that used to be on it) while preparing the room.

“I made soup", he said, not knowing what else to do.

Marius grumbled. “Do I have to eat?” he complained.

“It would really do you good"

Not without a long groan, he got up, crossing his legs in a sitting position, but still resting on some pillows behind him.

Where were Jonny's nice pillows? He had been lured by them, it was only fair that he got to at least see them.

He hadn’t thought that he would steal them, had he? That had been only one time, and he had killed him over it, water under the bridge.

Jonny must have realised what he was looking for, because he went to the far end of the bed, and ducked only to rise with his arms full.

The pillows! And some blankets...

It seemed that Jonny had been talking, so he quickly turned his attention from those pieces of heaven to try and catch what he was saying.

“...but it seems like you fuckers ‘ve managed to miss them" he finished, dropping the stuff on the bed.

He looked uncertain, tough, and eyed him suspiciously, wanting to know whether he had been fine. Marius smiled at him, and went to grab a pillow.

He realised that it was a different one, heavier, and the grey wasn’t as faded. He frowned at him.

“Those're new”. Jonny debated a little with himself, and then added “You can take them, after. I’ve mines, and maybe it'll keep you from stealing my stuff”. He pointed at the bloody blanket. “That stays here, like _my_ heater, which I'll be later retrieving”. _I can lend it to you,_ Marius heard.

After arranging the pillows around himself, he decided to leave the blanket for after finishing eating. He didn’t want to drop anything on it, tough it seemed like it had some weird spots, maybe in the other side...

Setting those toughs aside, he looked at the bowl. He wasn’t hungry, not really, but it didn’t sicken him as food did normally when getting out of one of his moods. It also didn’t look appetizing. But they wanted him to eat, and he knew deep down that they were right, so he took a spoonful to his mouth.

At least it had cheese.

But he found that the taste of metal and the feel of it against his teeth was too much right now, so he set the spoon to the side and did what any baron or respected gentleman would do on his place, and went to grab the bowl to drink it up in one go.

Or at least he tried to, because other hands grabbed it first. Yellowish hands.

“You’re going to get sick if you try it", Brian told him, having already seen what he was capable to do to a perfectly nice soup.

He put his hands down. Well, that was it for eating. Seemed that the universe disagreed with Jonny and Brian's wishes. What a shame.

Maybe they could cuddle a little now, under Jonny's blanket. It seemed nice, if a little bloody.

“Marius?” called Brian at seeing him start to lay down. “You should try to eat a little more". He groaned. “At least some bread? It will make you feel better tomorrow, having something on your stomach.”

He guessed that he could try, if only to put an end to this. Grabbing a piece of bread, he dipped it on the soup and ate it. He did it again, grudgingly at Brian's encouragement.

Once he was satisfied, Marius was allowed to leave the bowl by the nightstand, grab the blanket (It was a weighted blanket! He hadn’t sleep with one of those since he was a child), and curl up with one of the pillows, rubbing his head on it because it felt _fucking fantastic_. Jonny had automatically become his favourite person on the universe, and there was no way to encompass the gratitude he felt towards him.

“Will you be all right?” Speaking of the devil.

He groaned a little at the loss of peace, but forced himself to answer. “Yes, I promise.” He still seemed worried, so he added “This is kind of grounding, actually, with the weight, and the texture and you both. And I generally don’t get as deep unless I try to. And I won’t. Nothing to worry about". He shoved his head back to the pillow.

Jonny begged to differ, there were a lot of things to worry about. Mainly that last part, _I don’t get as deep unless I try to?_ What the hell did that meant? Had he gotten on that state on purpose?

But one look at Brian let him know that, even if he was also concerned by this, it was not the time. They could deal with it in the morning. Right now, the three of them were in the same bed, and apparently had a grounding effect on Marius. Things could be worse, he thought, as he curled up closer, and Brian did the same.

Marius hummed happily at the pressure. Yes, they could be worse.

(Then the not-doctor pressed his cold feet between his legs, and the mate supressed a yelp. It might not be a best case scenario, either).

(He didn’t mind).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, it's finished.  
> Sorry its a bit on the short side, but i kind of liked how it ended things nice and simple. so yeah.  
> Let me know what you think? things started getting heavy w uni, in case i dont answer right away, but know that i apreciate comments and kudos w all my heart.  
> Thank you for reading, remember to drink the water, and have a nice day


End file.
